Hi, it’s me, Jonah, the baritone saxophonist.

Lately I’ve been seeing clips of people saying that anxiety is actually a super power. For a long time I told myself that the only reason I got anything done was because anxiety forced me to do it. In other words, I also used to see anxiety as my edge, my secret weapon. Unfortunately, I have bad news: in my experience that edge cuts both ways. 

Oh, by the way, did you know this email has a soundtrack? It’s from my new solo album out this Friday (March 8), on We Jazz Records. Although my passion is sending you emails on substack, I make my living as a musician. Will you consider pre-ordering the music, or coming to one of my tour dates over the next few weeks? The NYC album release show is at Nublu tomorrow. The rest of the dates are at the bottom.

Why not listen while you read?

Anyway, anxiety sucks. I don’t think it’s secretly great. 

In the days when I told myself anxiety was my secret power, I would let my anxiety run free in exchange for productivity. As a result, I stopped feeling proud of my work because I attributed all of the credit to my anxiety. I was ashamed that I was incapable of achieving anything without the help of my secret weapon, and at the same time my anxiety was running free. Pretty uncomfortable.

Abandoning this accord with anxiety proved challenging. Anxiety is not particularly interested in whether it’s welcome. It cannot be banished, but maybe it can be balanced by other sensations? That’s how I started getting interested in opposites. When I am hot, I balance with cold. When I’m tired, I balance with rest. One day I discovered that all I needed to find the solution was a little bit of algebra: 

hot + cold = 0
x + anxiety = 0
x + anxiety = hot + cold
x = hot + cold - anxiety
x =

As you can clearly see, the opposite of anxiety is: I don’t know. I’m not a psychologist, and everybody knows algebra is useless.

It’s ok to be anxious. 

When my anxiety reaches a peak, I forget what makes me happy or excited, and I lose the ability to look forward to anything. I forget myself. I forget that the anxiety is part of me. The same me who makes things I’m proud of. The same me who has fun on a Saturday afternoon. In the time before a show, or the launch of a new album, I feel a lot of anxiety about how the music will be received and whether anyone will listen at all. But when I start to play I feel like myself, and when I feel like myself I don’t mind that I’m anxious. I don’t mind because I am able to remember that I’m lots of other things too. That’s my balance. Accept all of it, enjoy some of it, don’t believe in super powers.

Here’s all of my upcoming solo shows. Maybe see you at one of them? 

07 March – Nublu – New York NY
10 March – 8 East (Workshop) – Vancouver BC
11 March – Tyrant Studios (The Infidels Jazz Presents) – Vancouver BC
12 March – The Chapel (Wayward Music Series) – Seattle WA
15 March (Afternoon) – Oregon State University – Corvallis OR
15 March (Night) – Megalith – Portland OR
19 March – The Bop Stop – Cleveland OH
20 March – Trinosophes – Detroit MI
21 March – Communication – Madison WI
22 March – Constellation – Chicago IL
23 March – The Jazz Gallery – Milwaukee WI
24 March – Paradigm Coffee & Music – Sheboygan WI

Thanks for taking the time to read my emails, and thank you for all of the messages, pre-orders, and concert appearances you’ve made in response.

See you soon, 

Jonah