It’s Possible Success is Unpleasant

Hi, it’s me, Jonah, the baritone saxophonist. Remember?

If you don’t, maybe it means you haven’t seen me in person for a while. If you live in NYC, you can solve this by coming to see me play solo baritone saxophone at Nublu 151 on August 29. Marked for Death is headlining and Anand Wilder (Yeasayer) is DJing. You can snag tickets here. It would be good to see you!

Anyway, I’ve been daydreaming a lot lately. When I was younger I tried very hard to know what my dreams were, but as I’ve gotten older, my mind is increasingly occupied by day to day tasks. I do know that my largest aspiration is still to succeed as a musician. But a couple weeks back, I suddenly remembered that the word succeedcarries basically no inherent meaning unless you know what you are working towards. So I took some time to ask myself what I am chasing.

I know for sure that I’m chasing a feeling. I imagine myself riding a small boat down a rushing river. I don’t want to feel totally in control, but I want to know that I’m moving forward and that I have opportunities to use my skills to stay off the rocks. There’s something else though. Something that I am starting to realize I was expecting to leave behind when I finally made it into my little boat: doubt. 

Somewhere over the years, I accidentally convinced myself that I would know I was successful when I stopped wondering whether I had succeeded. Oh no, a paradox. It seems I have been trapped by my own definition of success. This leaves me with two (I think) perfectly acceptable ways out: 

1. Abandon the question of success and try to focus on being present in the day to day activities of my life.
2. Redefine what success means to me and admit that striving for a career without doubt is impossible. 

What would you do? Am I overlooking another way out? Write me back!

Oh by the way, I also want to make a living. The song I embedded above is Find the Feeling, from my 2020 solo album, Imagine Giving Up. You can find it on vinyl, CD, and digital.

Talk soon, 

Jonah